broken part1

This year I have made one of the hardest decisions I think I've ever made in my life! One of thee most hardest decisions I think I'll ever make in life period! Everyone can give advice about what it means to be an adult, what it means to be a woman, but no one can prepare you for the harsh realities of this world and what comes with being a woman.

As I opened the door a serious nervousness swept over me. As instantly as I walked in I wanted to walk back out. But there was something, a fear inside of me that kept my feet planted right there on that cold hard floor. I quickly made my way to the next set of doors avoiding eye contact with anyone. With all the nerves going on inside me I hurried along and swung open the next set of doors with such force they slammed against the wall as I walked in. Right then every ones attention was on me and I felt like a deer in headlights. That room was soo cold. And even though the room was pretty chatty all I could hear was dead silence. A pounding in my heart, I thought surely the woman sitting next to me could feel the vibrations in her seat.

I didn't belong there. I didn't want to be there. But I could not leave there. So i sat there waiting, waiting, waiting, and waiting playing through the 500$ folded up in my pocket. Every now and again I'd catch a convo between the other ladies, but still I never said a word. I was in disbelief at some of these ladies who were here for their second or third time. And here i am for my first.....I'm no saint. I can not describe to you the hurt and pain I felt both emotionally and physically. There was a deep sharp sinking in my stomach after all was said an done...and that's when reality really hit me. I just had an abortion. 8weeks pregnant and i just paid to have this pregnancy terminated.

I cried..i cried...i cried....i cried....i cried...i cried i cried and i cried. An to this day I wish I could take it all back. I wish i hadn't put myself in that predicament. I wish I had considered my own feelings and put them before anyone else's instead of weighing his feelings higher than mine. I have a four year old boy that'll be five this year. He's just about to start prek and although he's not excited I am. He's my world, and I hate when anyone tries to make it seem otherwise since this abortion took place. I want more kids, I really do. I just felt like now wasn't the time, and the thought that I could possibly end up being a single parent of two really scared me. I know there's no excuse for what I did...and my life is upside down.